Solid chance this is my last selfie to go out on "social
media" as such, and so I hope you'll forgive a bit of
nostalgia. Posting selfies, especially early in transition,
was hugely important for me. For most of my life up to that
point I had regarded my looks with suspicion if not outright
hostility, and the selfie became the medium through which I
began to take ownership of my appearance and develop a sense
of style. The first time I looked at a picture I'd taken of
myself and realized "oh. I'm hot" was a huge
milestone for me.
Posting selfies to social media was an inseparable part of
this. As my style became something I actively put effort and
care into, having people appreciate it became a reminder that
that work was doing something. It wasn't the dreaded numbers,
it was the people: people whose taste and style I also saw and
appreciated, people who I was friends with and people
I just saw around.
When COVID began, I went from taking and posting selfies
almost on a weekly basis to nearly not taking them at all. I
no longer felt I had any reason to dress up. Wearing lipstick
felt foolish when it would just get ruined by a mask. I wasn't
getting any new clothes, because I hate having to remember to
send back online orders I don't like. My trademark blue hair
was growing out, because even after the vaccine made it
feasible to be masked indoors with strangers I couldn't bear
the pain of trying to find a salon that still required them. I
didn't realize until my roots had overtaken me how much the
blue had become a part of my self-image, how much it hurt to
look in the mirror and not see the self in my heart.
Little by little, I pulled myself out of that hole. Although
the pandemic is very much still present and I am very much
still taking precautions, I found ways to allow my sense of
style to flourish in between those precautions. I'll put on
lipstick just because I feel like it.
Liz
took careful measurements so I could do online shopping with
minimal risk of send-backs. Every now and then I'll even strap
on a P100 respirator and go to a physical store. I asked
around and found
a local salon
that not only still requires masks, but is queer- and
disabled-owned.
And I started taking selfies again. I took selfies to give
myself a reason to care about my appearance again. I took
selfies as a reward for putting in the work to make myself
look and feel good. I took selfies to send to friends, I took
selfies to flirt, I took selfies with pals, I took selfies at
beaches and forests and birthdays and the precious few
weddings that were safe enough for me to attend. I took
selfies to remind the world that I existed, and to…
